Since I’ve pretty much exhausted every sports league imaginable from college level to professional and everything in between, I had to find a new source of bad team names. Fortunately I came across a completely untapped source… high schools.
Now you might be saying, “Picking on pro teams and colleges is one thing but don’t you think picking on kids is going a bit far?”… to you I say, absolutely not. If it weren’t for the fact that most pre-schools don’t have team names, I would be mocking those little brats too.
Here’s a quick list of some of the weirdest ones I came across…
Hartford Hustlers (AR) – The magazine? Or the street thug? I did like their hustle though, which is why it was so hard to add them to this list.
Ozark Hillbillies (AR) – Way to play up stereotypes.
Avon Old Farms Winged Beavers (CT) – Far be it from me to correct our neighbours to the south but as a Canadian I feel compelled to question the existence of a beaver with wings.
Sun Valley Community School Cutthroat Trout (ID) – I never realized trout could be so vicious and competitive.
Centralia Orphans (IL) – Unless these kids are actually orphans this strikes me as a really odd choice for a team name.
Cobden Appleknockers (IL) – I can’t figure out if this means they have apple-shaped knockers or that they enjoy knocking apples. Not that either explanation really makes it any better.
Fulton Steamers (IL) – I wonder if that is anything like the Cleveland variety
Hoopeston Cornjerkers (IL) – Remind me never to visit Hoopeston. I’m not really in to corn in that way.
New Berlin Pretzels (IL) – woah woah woah… there’s a New Berlin? Better watch out New Warsaw.
Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (IL) – “Who are we?” The Wooden Shoes! “And what are we going to do?” Perform traditional Dutch folk dances!
Hobart Brickies (IN) – Anyone else see the irony in an educational institute promoting made up words?
Estherville Midgets (IA) – I believe the politically correct term now is “vertically retarded”
Lawrence High School Chesty Lions (KS) – While I’ve seen many a chesty cougar in my day, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a lion I would describe as chesty.
Mt Clemens Battling Bathers (MI) – I’m pretty sure people don’t do battle while bathing. I mean Man In The Bush once got into a wrestling match with a guy in the tub but let’s just say he quickly discovered his opponent wasn’t trying to fight him. Even after years of therapy, he still insists on showering with a bathing suit on.
Chinook Sugar Beaters (MT) – What has sugar ever done to you? You know other than make you a morbidly obese diabetic.
Fair Lawn Cutters (NJ) – Either they are big fans of lawnmowers or they are big into emo.
Doane Stuart School Thunder Chicken (NY) – Thunder Chicken was of course the lesser known cousin of the Thunder Cats. Unfortunately, his spin off cartoon series was not nearly as successful.
Columbus Mifflin Punchers (OH) – Gotta love a high school that promotes violence
North East Grape Pickers (PA) – Way to set your career aspirations high
Tillamook Cheese Makers (OR) – Not sure if this is better or worse than being a Grape Picker.
Brush Beetdiggers (CO) – Okay this one is definitely worse than being a grape picker. No one likes beets.
Rocky Ford Meloneers (CO) – First of all, as a Rider fan you gotta respect a school that devotes itself to the watermelon. Second as if this logo isn’t awesome… a jacked up melon with his shorts pulled up to his armpits
And your undisputed winner…
Butte Pirates (ID) –
Man would it ever suck to be the victim of bullying at that school. Actually it turns out that Man In The Bush’s bathtub opponent was a Butte Pirate.