Thursday, June 4, 2009

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: High School Edition

Since I’ve pretty much exhausted every sports league imaginable from college level to professional and everything in between, I had to find a new source of bad team names. Fortunately I came across a completely untapped source… high schools.

Now you might be saying, “Picking on pro teams and colleges is one thing but don’t you think picking on kids is going a bit far?”… to you I say, absolutely not. If it weren’t for the fact that most pre-schools don’t have team names, I would be mocking those little brats too.

Here’s a quick list of some of the weirdest ones I came across…

Hartford Hustlers (AR) – The magazine? Or the street thug? I did like their hustle though, which is why it was so hard to add them to this list.

Ozark Hillbillies (AR) – Way to play up stereotypes.

Avon Old Farms Winged Beavers (CT) – Far be it from me to correct our neighbours to the south but as a Canadian I feel compelled to question the existence of a beaver with wings.

Sun Valley Community School Cutthroat Trout (ID) – I never realized trout could be so vicious and competitive.

Centralia Orphans (IL) – Unless these kids are actually orphans this strikes me as a really odd choice for a team name.

Cobden Appleknockers (IL) – I can’t figure out if this means they have apple-shaped knockers or that they enjoy knocking apples. Not that either explanation really makes it any better.

Fulton Steamers (IL) – I wonder if that is anything like the Cleveland variety

Hoopeston Cornjerkers (IL) – Remind me never to visit Hoopeston. I’m not really in to corn in that way.

New Berlin Pretzels (IL) – woah woah woah… there’s a New Berlin? Better watch out New Warsaw.

Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (IL) – “Who are we?” The Wooden Shoes! “And what are we going to do?” Perform traditional Dutch folk dances!

Hobart Brickies (IN) – Anyone else see the irony in an educational institute promoting made up words?

Estherville Midgets (IA) – I believe the politically correct term now is “vertically retarded”

Lawrence High School Chesty Lions (KS) – While I’ve seen many a chesty cougar in my day, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a lion I would describe as chesty.

Mt Clemens Battling Bathers (MI) – I’m pretty sure people don’t do battle while bathing. I mean Man In The Bush once got into a wrestling match with a guy in the tub but let’s just say he quickly discovered his opponent wasn’t trying to fight him. Even after years of therapy, he still insists on showering with a bathing suit on.

Chinook Sugar Beaters (MT) – What has sugar ever done to you? You know other than make you a morbidly obese diabetic.

Fair Lawn Cutters (NJ) – Either they are big fans of lawnmowers or they are big into emo.

Doane Stuart School Thunder Chicken (NY) – Thunder Chicken was of course the lesser known cousin of the Thunder Cats. Unfortunately, his spin off cartoon series was not nearly as successful.

Columbus Mifflin Punchers (OH) – Gotta love a high school that promotes violence

North East Grape Pickers (PA) – Way to set your career aspirations high

Tillamook Cheese Makers (OR) – Not sure if this is better or worse than being a Grape Picker.

Brush Beetdiggers (CO) – Okay this one is definitely worse than being a grape picker. No one likes beets.

Rocky Ford Meloneers (CO) – First of all, as a Rider fan you gotta respect a school that devotes itself to the watermelon. Second as if this logo isn’t awesome… a jacked up melon with his shorts pulled up to his armpits

And your undisputed winner…

Butte Pirates (ID) –

Man would it ever suck to be the victim of bullying at that school. Actually it turns out that Man In The Bush’s bathtub opponent was a Butte Pirate.


Unknown said...

I am not sure if the team still exists, but Castor, Alberta had a sign for the Castor Raiders.

Rider Prophet said...

Wow talk about an epic battle! The Butte Pirates vs. the Castor Raiders... I think the survivors would envy the dead.

Anonymous said...

Great post, been looking for something like that!?

Warmest Regards