Monday, I posted my 8 step plan to solving the problems in getting the CFL
schedule released. The next day the CFL schedule was released. You’re welcome.
But I’m not one to rest on my accomplishments. I’m a man dedicated to this
league and there are more issues afoot.
came out last week that Rona and Scotiabank were dropping off as major league sponsors.
Now fortunately, unlike a few years ago, given the strength of the CFL, this
news is not crippling. The CFL is now something people don’t feel ashamed to be
publicly associated with… well the Blue Bombers maybe but I’m talking overall.
Still, new sponsors are needed to help keep the League strong and being the
good guy that I am, I have come up with a plan to help address this issue. And
so I present…
Rider Prophet’s 3 Step Plan To
Attracting New Sponsorship
1 – New Companies
I appreciate Rona and Scotiabank’s support of the league, I’d be lying if I
thought it was worth their while. Honestly, while I’m watching football I will
not be inspired to bank or do home renos (I already have my wife nagging me to
fix up the house, anything Rona put on was just overkill). We need sponsors
that fit better with viewers’ mentality during a football game.
why sponsors like Gibsons do well… a whisky commercial during a game is likely
going to convince me to drink whisky (not that I need encouragement). Even
Wendy’s (despite their mostly awful commercials) works because… let’s face it
we are suckers for bacon and that baconator is somewhat tempting no matter how
ridiculous the concept is.
need to build on that though. Here are a few of the new sponsors I would see as
a strategic fit:
Gambling – With apologies to Scotiabank, the
only financial planning people do while watching football has to do with
whether or not to take the spread. Sports Select, Sports Interaction, Bodog,
sleazy Russian bookies… these are all sponsors that would have good strategic
Drugs – In keeping with the theme of vices, drug
dealers are an untapped source of ad revenue. They deal only in cash so you
know they won’t skip out on a payment. Like any legitimate business they have
product to move and a fair bit of CFL viewers would fall in their target
market. To comply with laws I’m sure a few metaphors may have to be thrown in.
But I’m sure if we saw a commercial for Jimmy’s “Novelty grass, powder and
injectibles” we’d get the idea.
Scantily Clad Women – I can’t believe no one
has clued into this yet. What is the one thing that could possibly distract a
man’s attention from football? Women. Companies need to jump on this. Strip
clubs, porn sites, or quite frankly a hot woman wearing nothing but a smile
telling me to buy something I don’t even want, would be effective. Volcano
Insurance? How can I go wrong?
Flex Seal – Quite frankly, I think I
speak for all football fans when I say we just want to see what else we can
make boats out of.
DateACougar.com – Their concept and jingle
entertain me. They can stay.
all new sponsors will have to sign a contract where they are required to
produce more than 2 commercials during a season and if their commercials are
deemed to suck or be overly annoying to the fans a clause will automatically
kick in which doubles their sponsorship fees. It’s like pay for performance
only in reverse.
2 – New Revenue Streams
stone unturned is my policy. The traditional sponsorship packages have their
limits. Sponsors are looking for new and innovative advertising options and we
need to offer that. I have a number of initial ideas to bring in new revenue
streams and recommend striking a committee to brainstorm others.
- Scrap whatever awful team
name Ottawa is
planning and sell it to the highest bidder. You may get the Ottawa Dodge Rams you
may get the Ottawa Tampex Tapons either way you get paid.
- Sell the opening coin toss
to a new business each week and that company gets to determine what gets
flipped. Could be a coin, a burger, a small child, a car. You’d have to tune in
each week to find out.
- A new weekly award will be
created for biggest comeback effort of the week with the title sponsor being Viagra.
The Viagra Comeback Players of the Week will be honoured for rising to the
occasion and performing under pressure… and if a player’s reign as Viagra
Comeback Player of the Week lasts more than 2 consecutive weeks they will be
encouraged to see a doctor.
3 – Micro-Sponsorship
getting harder and harder to find major sponsors willing to fork over millions
of dollars. Trust me, the future of the industry is in what I call
“Micro-Sponsorship” (patent pending).
micro-sponsorship you ask? Well it may be hard to find a couple companies willing
to part with big money, but it’s easy to find a ton of people willing to invest
small amounts. What we do is open it up that for $250, anyone can sponsor obscure
portions of the game. The more obscure the better.
the micro-sponsor (patent pending) invests a small amount of money for an
advertising opportunity that will come up rarely if at all. Here are just a few
examples of the rare occurrences we could open up to micro-sponsorship (patent
- 3rd and 31
- Animals on the field
- 1st and goals
from the 23
- 2 or more punts in the same
- Blocked converts returned
for points by the oppositions (because really, what are the odds of that happening?)
- Ejections of a kicker
- Embarrassing Henry Burris
moments (this one would have to cost more than $250 though since it comes up
quite a bit)
- Dropped cheerleaders
- Inadvertently injured
- Tampering fines
- Winnipeg victories
the low price of $250 these or anything else you could dream up could be yours.
I will be the first to pony up $250 so that the next “Illegible receiver” is
brought to you by the Rider Prophet. I would also kick in another $250 so that
the next time Rob Black makes up a nickname for a player that no one will ever
use again he has to follow it up with “… and this has been brought to you by
the Coalition of People Who Think Rod Black Is An Idiot”.
an easier way to generate money without minimal impact on the game. What
micro-sponsorship opportunity would you invest in?
there you have it folks, another CFL problem solved by the Prophet.