I consider myself more than just a bigoted/occasionally drunk sports commentator. I am one of the leading CFL minds in the province (I am also very humble as you can tell). But I take this responsibility very seriously (well… as serious as a rye drinking dude in a robe can anyways) and like to use my powers for the benefit of all CFL fans. With that in mind I have turned my attention to the biggest issue currently facing the CFL … the delay in the release of the schedule.
In the League’s defense, there are many complicating factors in finalizing this year’s schedule. I mean sure the NHL did coordinate a 42 game season for 30 teams in the same time that it took the CFL to determine whether or not Hamilton home games could technically be called “home games” but I sympathize with the difficulties face by our friends at the League offices. With that in mind I have come up with a number of recommendations to help get the schedule sorted out. I call it Prophet’s 8 Step Plan To Getting The Schedule Released Before Labour Day
1 – The Toronto Argonauts will forgo all home games and instead games will be simulated in Madden and broadcast on community television. This move is expected to increase viewership and general interest in the greater Toronto area while keeping attendance numbers about the same as they currently are.
2 – All Roughrider home games will be played on either Wednesday or Sunday at 5am because “shut up and don’t pretend like we won’t be there”
3 – Winnipeg Blue Bomber home games will be scheduled as double headers with 2 teams traveling to Winnipeg in the same weekend. Team 1 will play the Bombers on Saturday while Team 2 helps hold up and brace the stadium against wind. On Sunday team 1 and 2 will switch roles
4 – In order to reduce the number of actual games that need to be scheduled, tag team game will be introduced. Teams will be paired up and take on an opposing pairing. Tagging in and out with your partner will be allowed by official hand tag in the presence of a ref or behind the refs back when he is distracted by a team manager or valet.
5 – There will be no games scheduled in week 17 because we are pretty sure no one will notice. Teams will be asked to select a poker player who will be appearing in the Poker tournament that is broadcast instead and winners will be determined based on the performance of their selected player.
6 – There will be 3 Labour Day Classics this year to take advantage of the fact that ticket sales and viewership traditionally spike during these games.
7 – BC will play whenever they damn well please as David Braley pretty much runs this league.
8 – Due to scheduling conflicts at Commonwealth, 3 Eskimo home games will be moved to Nunavut for the first ever Touchdown Inukshuk in the presence of real eskimos. As there is no stadium there, the game will be played in the middle of the snowy arctic. Ceremonial opening kickoff will be replaced with a ceremonial seal clubbing.
I pretty sure by implementing the above measures, the CFL can address any issues that are preventing the finalization of the schedule. You’re welcome.