Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Best In Show

Well the offseason has come to a close so I guess it’s time for my offseason filler posts to end as well.

For the past 4 months I have been saluting bad team names from across the sporting world. From high school up to the pros, from reputable leagues to leagues you probably didn’t know existed and everything in between, we’ve covered it all.

It’s time for our final installment in the salute (pause for single tear). I’ll end this salute with a look at my personal favourites. Enjoy, and thanks for hanging in there through the long offseason and my corresponding absolute lack of material.

Top 10 – Best In Show

10. University of Tennessee Volunteers (NCAA) –

I still find it hard to believe that such a reputable sports program developed out of such a bad team name.

9. University of Akron Zips (NCAA) –

As you may have guessed, Zips is short for zippers… but you probably didn’t guess that in this case zippers doesn’t refer to what holds your coat together but rather rubber overshoes produced by BF Goodrich which were popular in the 20s called “zippers”. Nothing says quality like a shoe produced by a tire company and nothing says respectability like naming a team after said shoes. As for what a kangaroo has to do with all this… I have no idea.

8. Kansas City T-Bones (Minor Baseball) –

Little known fact: Kansas City was actually given the name T-Bones by the league commissioner. Another team wanted it, but the league wasn't willing to have two teams with the same nickname so they decided to call the other team the Kokos.

7. UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs (NAIA) –

So… they’re slow, ugly and often covered in a mysterious sticky goo? Sounds like the girls at JD’s… zing!

6. Campbell Fighting Camels (NCAA) –

If Michael Vick has taught us nothing (you know, other than Ron Mexico is an awesome alias if you have to go the STD clinic), it’s that organized animal fighting rings are probably illegal. But even if camel fighting were legal, would it not be the most boring thing in the world. I mean dogs and roosters are vicious so there’d at least be some action. What are camels going to do? Stand there for weeks on end to see who dies of thirst first?

5. Jacksonville State/ University of South Carolina Gamecocks (NCAA) –

While you are all used to regularly beating your cocks, this time around the Cocks will be beating you. Go Gamecocks!

4. University of Massachusetts Minutemen (NCAA) –

Evidently U Mass athletes are not known for their stamina. Odds are the All-American fantasy of the starting quarterback ending up with the head cheerleader rarely plays out there.

3. Macon Whoopee (defunct ECHL) –

Macon Whoopee… not only is it Georgia’s favourite team it’s also their favourite pastime. Note how the logo features a bird and a bee… outstanding!

2. Wichita Shockers (NCAA) –

Wichita is hands down my favourite college team based solely on their team name. Now if you don’t know why I’m such a big fan of their name… let’s just say you are a better person than I.

Winner: Liberal Beejays (Minor League Baseball) –

Good name for a brothel… bad name for a baseball team. Though I must say I’m considering a road trip to Liberal, talk about a game day experience! I mean it’s the only place where getting to 3rd base is a given and there’s always a happy ending. It also brings new meaning to the term “left handed middle relief” and “fan appreciation night”.

*Don’t ask me what I was Googling when I came across this team.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Dishonour Roll

For the past several months I’ve been presenting the worst team names from across the sporting world. Tomorrow I’ll wrap up my salute with my personal favourites with the Best In Show category. For now, I will salute the also-rans.

Given the sheer volume of bad team names not all of them were able to fit into the previous categories but these were too good to pass up. In no particular order …

Milwaukee Bonecrushers (CIFL) – Finally a team name that would strike fear into opponents.

Greensboro Prowlers (defunct AF2) – Seriously why not just call them the Greensboro Rapists?

Omaha Beef (IFL) – Come to Omaha for the meatiest game day experience of your life. Cheer along with team mascot Sir Loin. Gaze in wonder at the Rumproasters, the professional sporting worlds’ first all male dance group. And if home games aren’t enough jump in the Meatwagon and hit the road for away games.

University of San Francisco Dons (NCAA) – This sounds like a team I wouldn’t want to mess with (either that or it’s a team where everyone’s name is Don).

Arkansas RimRockers (inactive NBA D-League) – Now I’m not an expert in the sex trade business but a RimRocker definitely sounds like something that a) I wouldn’t want to experience and b) is something you generally have to pay extra for. I believe it falls under the “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it” category.

Coquitlam Adanacs (WLA) – who would have guessed that a team that coined its name by spelling its home country backwards would make this salute. I can’t wait for their long awaited grudge match with the Kandahar Natsinahgfas.

Toledo Mud Hens (AAA Baseball) – A hen covered in mud is still a hen. In fact about the only thing that gets better when covered in mud is women’s wrestling.

Shawinigan Cataractes (QMJHL) – Means waterfall in French but sounds like an unfortunate eye affliction to Anglos.

University of Nebraska Cornhuskers (NCAA) – Is there anything in Nebraska but corn? That’s all they seem to talk about. Odd name but I guess it’s better to be a husker than a holer.

San Antonio Player Haters (former NIFL) –

Okay, it’s bad enough that they decided on Player Haters as a team name but the fact that they then decided that the best representation of a Player Hater was a horse in a T-shirt makes it ten times worse.

Quebec Kebs (PBL) –

Not only did they pick a stupid team name, they also went with a frog as a mascot. Way to perpetuate derogatory nicknames. You don’t see Mexico City using a bucket of water being poured on a guy’s back as their logo.

Minnesota Ripknees (ABA) –

This is one of the oddest team name and logo I’ve come across. I don’t envy the guys who have try and market a team based around a lower body injury.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: High School Edition

Since I’ve pretty much exhausted every sports league imaginable from college level to professional and everything in between, I had to find a new source of bad team names. Fortunately I came across a completely untapped source… high schools.

Now you might be saying, “Picking on pro teams and colleges is one thing but don’t you think picking on kids is going a bit far?”… to you I say, absolutely not. If it weren’t for the fact that most pre-schools don’t have team names, I would be mocking those little brats too.

Here’s a quick list of some of the weirdest ones I came across…

Hartford Hustlers (AR) – The magazine? Or the street thug? I did like their hustle though, which is why it was so hard to add them to this list.

Ozark Hillbillies (AR) – Way to play up stereotypes.

Avon Old Farms Winged Beavers (CT) – Far be it from me to correct our neighbours to the south but as a Canadian I feel compelled to question the existence of a beaver with wings.

Sun Valley Community School Cutthroat Trout (ID) – I never realized trout could be so vicious and competitive.

Centralia Orphans (IL) – Unless these kids are actually orphans this strikes me as a really odd choice for a team name.

Cobden Appleknockers (IL) – I can’t figure out if this means they have apple-shaped knockers or that they enjoy knocking apples. Not that either explanation really makes it any better.

Fulton Steamers (IL) – I wonder if that is anything like the Cleveland variety

Hoopeston Cornjerkers (IL) – Remind me never to visit Hoopeston. I’m not really in to corn in that way.

New Berlin Pretzels (IL) – woah woah woah… there’s a New Berlin? Better watch out New Warsaw.

Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (IL) – “Who are we?” The Wooden Shoes! “And what are we going to do?” Perform traditional Dutch folk dances!

Hobart Brickies (IN) – Anyone else see the irony in an educational institute promoting made up words?

Estherville Midgets (IA) – I believe the politically correct term now is “vertically retarded”

Lawrence High School Chesty Lions (KS) – While I’ve seen many a chesty cougar in my day, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a lion I would describe as chesty.

Mt Clemens Battling Bathers (MI) – I’m pretty sure people don’t do battle while bathing. I mean Man In The Bush once got into a wrestling match with a guy in the tub but let’s just say he quickly discovered his opponent wasn’t trying to fight him. Even after years of therapy, he still insists on showering with a bathing suit on.

Chinook Sugar Beaters (MT) – What has sugar ever done to you? You know other than make you a morbidly obese diabetic.

Fair Lawn Cutters (NJ) – Either they are big fans of lawnmowers or they are big into emo.

Doane Stuart School Thunder Chicken (NY) – Thunder Chicken was of course the lesser known cousin of the Thunder Cats. Unfortunately, his spin off cartoon series was not nearly as successful.

Columbus Mifflin Punchers (OH) – Gotta love a high school that promotes violence

North East Grape Pickers (PA) – Way to set your career aspirations high

Tillamook Cheese Makers (OR) – Not sure if this is better or worse than being a Grape Picker.

Brush Beetdiggers (CO) – Okay this one is definitely worse than being a grape picker. No one likes beets.

Rocky Ford Meloneers (CO) – First of all, as a Rider fan you gotta respect a school that devotes itself to the watermelon. Second as if this logo isn’t awesome… a jacked up melon with his shorts pulled up to his armpits



And your undisputed winner…

Butte Pirates (ID) –


Man would it ever suck to be the victim of bullying at that school. Actually it turns out that Man In The Bush’s bathtub opponent was a Butte Pirate.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Minor League Baseball

There were a number of team names from minor baseball that weren’t quite good enough to make the other categories but are still worth ridiculing.

Top 10 – Minor League Baseball Team Names

10. Idaho Falls Chukars – The chukar is a type of partridge native to Pakistan and India… which clearly explains why a baseball team from Idaho thought it would be a good mascot. Stupid potato farmers.

9. Fort Wayne TinCaps – The only people I know who wear tin caps are conspiracy theorists who are trying to deflect mind controlling satellite signals. Personally, I would try and avoid associating myself with that crowd, but to each his own.

8. Lansing Lugnuts – Now I would have thought that the term lugnut was more of an insult that source of team pride. Maybe the team is so bad that that’s all the fans call them anyway so they just decided to roll with it.

7. Frederick Keys – The keys?! Obviously the team over procrastinated when it came to deciding on a name and panicked at the last minute and went with the first thing they found in their pockets. In fact it came down to a vote between the Keys, the Slightly Used Kleenexes and the Expired Coupons.

6. Batavia Muckdogs – The team used to be called the Clippers but changed their name following a fan poll. Let this be a lesson that people are idiots and giving them any kind of decision making power will have terrible consequences. I keep telling you people – democracy doesn’t work!

5. Everett Aquasox – History lesson for you. Many baseball teams, back when the sport was first popularized in the US, were distinguished by the colour of stockings the players wore. There were teams like the St. Louis Brown Stockings, St. Louis Red Stockings, Philadelphia White Stockings, and of course, the Chicago White Stockings and Boston Red Stockings. These were eventually abbreviated, resulting in teams like the Chicago White Sox and Boston Red Sox.

So that brings us to the AquaSox. Clearly they were handing out manly team colours to all of the Minor League Baseball teams, the Everett representatives were at the bar doing tequila shots, and ended up getting the distinguished choice between aqua and purple with hot pink stripes. But colour aside, I wonder if the team's fight song is Barbie Girl?

4. Traverse City Beach Bums – Nothing like building a poor work ethic right into your team identity.

3. Peoria Javelinas – Allow me to venture some guesses as to what a javelina is. It is either a) a miniature javelin b) a Spanish javelin c) the homosexual equivalent of a javelin or d) a combination of all 3.

2. Asheville Tourists –


Be sure to drop by the Asheville team and get into the true Tourist spirit with official gear such as bad Hawaiian shirts and really ugly fanny packs. Seriously, what a terrible mascot!

Winner: Modesto Nuts –


As if being the colour commentator for this team wouldn’t be a dream job.

“Thank you for supporting our Nuts”
“The GM has the Nuts in the palm of his hand”
“I’ve never seem a pair of Nuts like that”
“The Tourists can’t wait to get their hands on those Nuts”
“It’s a scorcher out there, the Nuts are sweating something terrible”
“And the arch-rival Javelinas have just dealt a devastating blow to the Nuts”
“The Nuts are really pounding those Beach Bums”

… trust me I could go on for days.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: The Forgotten

In honour of newly acquired QB Juan Woah-seph’s roots, for today’s salute I decided to take a look at the forgotten section of the NCAA known as Div 3. Unless you have ESPN 8 – The Ocho you likely won’t be seeing these “reputable” sporting teams in the news. Judging by the team names they came up with I can see why they tend to be ignored by the sporting world.

Top 10 - NCAA Div III

10. Salisbury University Seagulls – While I think the seagull is a terrible mascot I guess the good news is they didn’t call themselves the Steaks.

9. Saint John’s University Johnnies/ University of St Thomas Tommies – Ah the old pluralize a saint’s name trick… What’s next the St. Elmo Elmos?

8. Muhlenberg College Mules – The Muhlenberg Mules? Wow there’s some top notch creativity right there. And aside from the obvious lack of effort, is the retarded and completely impotent offspring of a horse and a donkey really what you want to symbolize your student body?… then again given the reputability of Muhlenberg College maybe it is a fitting mascot… who am I to say?

7. Tufts University Jumbos – As if the women’s side of their athletic department doesn’t feel ashamed of the unfortunate team name they have to be associated with.

6. Hollins University (No Name) – Seriously, they have no team name. How reputable must your athletics program be for you to not even bother coming up with a team name? But I guess when you look at the other teams in this list that made an effort to pick a name, maybe Hollins U made a good decision by staying on the sidelines for this one.

5. Heidelberg University Student Princes – Heidelberg has really come full circle in terms of their team name. They started out as the Student Princes, then they became The Students Formerly Known As Princes, then just The Students, followed by that unpronounceable symbol before finally ending up back at Student Princes.

4. Williams College Ephs –


If they changed from a college to a university they could be known as Eph U.


3. Central College Dutch–


There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures… and the Dutch.


2. Whittier College Poets –


What better symbol for the athletic department than an artsy group that is traditionally too weak, feeble, clumsy, socially awkward and opposed to any displays of physical strength to participate in organized sport.


Winner: Mary Baldwin College Fighting Squirrels –


If an angry looking squirrel in a sweater isn’t intimidating I don’t know what is.

Dishonourable Mentions: Brooklyn College Bridges, Loras College Duhawks

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Colour Me Unimpressed Part 2

Since my first post dedicated to teams that mistakenly thought colours would improve their terrible team name, I have unearthed a few more that deserve my mockery.


Top 5 – Adding A Colour To A Bad Team Name Doesn’t Make It Any Better Part 2

5. Lincoln University of Missouri Blue Tigers / Morehouse College Maroon Tigers (NCAA) –



I’m not an accredited zoologist, nor do I hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. I'm just an enthusiastic young man with a 6th grade education and an abiding love for all of God's creatures. But I do know enough to call both Lincoln and Morehouse’s bluff here. Each school must have a significant supply of animal grade paint, or possibly mind altering drugs, because those are the only 2 possible explanations for a blue or maroon tiger.


4. Southern Maryland Blue Crabs (Minor League Baseball) –



Seems odd to me to name a sports team after something Man In The Bush recently contracted… but what do I know?



3. NYU Violets (NCAA) –



While we’ve established that adding a colour to a bad name doesn’t improve it, I’d like to point out that opting instead to just go with a colour on its own is also a bad idea. Especially when you choose such a wussy colour. I do love how well the mascot relates to the team name though.


2. University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire Blugolds (NCAA) –



…and if you thought just choosing a solitary colour for a team name was a bad idea, as Wisconsin Eau Claire demonstrates, combining 2 colours together to form a new word is an even worse idea.


Winner: Gustavus Adolphus College Golden Gusties (NCAA) –



Now Gustavus Adolphus was known as the “Lion of the North” which explains the logo (you know except for the Golden Gusties having a black and white logo). But rather than do the logical thing and call themselves the Lions, the college for some reason decided to make up a word that closely resembles gusty, which describes the wind. Maybe the decision was based on the fact that GA College blows.

Dishonourable Mentions: Lancaster Red Roses (defunct CBA), Geneva College Golden Tornadoes (NCAA), Bluefield State College Big Blues (NCAA), Colby College White Mules (NCAA)

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Tooting Their Own Horn

Today we salute teams who have no sense of modesty or humility… even though they really should.

Top 5 – Most Boastful Team Names

5. Brampton Excelsiors (MSL) –

Excelsior can conjure up many different interpretations depending on who you talk to. Whether you take it to mean a spaceship from Star Trek 3, wood wool, or, like me, just picture Martin Prince and his band of nerdy friends proudly proclaiming “Excelsior!”

… the fact remains none of them have anything to do with soccer or sports in general.

4. Kannapolis Intimidators (Minor League Baseball) –

Man this is a messed up logo. You’ve got a letter K that seems to have developed a case of rabies as well of some sort of mutation that resulted in a hand on its head.

3. Arkansas Fantastics (defunct ABA) –

Perhaps if the team had lived up to their overly exuberant name they might not have ended up folding.

2. Anderson Champions (defunct ABA) –

The ironic thing is that Anderson never won a championship or even made the playoffs for that matter. How embarrassing…

Winners: Arkansas Tech University Wonder Boys (NCAA) –

Holy rusted nails Batman, what a hilarious team name! Perhaps it’s their love of spandex. Perhaps it’s their affinity for ambiguous relationships with older men also dressed in spandex. I don’t know, I don’t judge… well that’s a lie… but more to the point of the matter, this team name does make it seem as though Arkansas Tech is tooting their own horn a bit too much. Which is actually odd because you’d think a team named the Wonder Boys would be more likely to be tooting each others… well you get where I’m going with this.

Dishonourbale Mention: Lexington Legends (Minor League Baseball)

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: The Lamest of the Lame

A team name is supposed to be a source of team pride for both players and fans alike. But I can’t help thinking that the fans/players of these next teams die a little inside every time they have to cheer for their team. The only thing lamer than these team names is Stephen Hawking (too soon?).

Top 5 – Really Lame Team Names

5. New Westminster Salmonbellies (WLA) –






While not overly intimidating, simply calling yourselves the Salmon would likely have garnered significantly less mockery.

4. University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (NCAA) –



Now warriors on its own is a fairly good team name… but adding rainbow in front of it kinda takes away all the toughness associated with warrior (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

3. Jacksonville Tea Men (defunct NASL) –





Why am I not surprised that one of the more homosexual team names in this salute comes to us from the soccer world? Actually they where initially going to be named after the men who bag the tea but opted to replace “baggers” with “men” due to public pressure.

2. Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichoke (NJCAA) –




Wow. Just wow. Where did they ever come up with this load of crap? Did the school’s founding father engage in a vicious fight to the death with an artichoke? Have there been actual cases of gangs of artichokes attacking innocent bystanders? Is there an artichoke division in the local boxing circuit? I’d like to know what gave them the idea to go with the aggressive vegetable mascot.

Winner: Montgomery Biscuits (AA Baseball) –



They say truth is stranger than fiction and this team is no exception. So rather than come up with my own material on this team I will just relay some interesting tidbits about the team. During the game, instead of saying “Hey batter, batter, batter”, Montgomery fans say “Hey butter, butter, butter”. And during the game they shoot biscuits into the crowd with air cannons. What better way to celebrate Uncle-Daddy Day than to treat your uncle-daddy to an air born biscuit and some good old fashion biscuit-themed heckling. (Remind me again why people in the Deep South are allowed to breed…)

Dishonourable Mentions: Indiana State University Sycamores (NCAA), Roanoke Steam (defunct AF2) – You know things are bad when trees and vaporized water aren’t even lame enough to crack the top 5.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Fictitious Animals Round 2

As sad as it is, there were too many imaginary animals to fit into one Top 5 so here’s an encore presentation.

Top 5 Made-Up Animals - Encore

5. Odessa Jackalopes (Central Hockey League) –


For those of you who aren’t up on your imaginary animals (shame on you) a Jackalope is basically a rabbit with antlers. This team makes this list purely because it reminds me of America’s Funniest People with Dave Coulier.


4. Lincoln Saltdogs (Minor League Baseball) –


Next time you bite into a delicious Premium Plus salted cracker, take a second to remember the poor saltdog that was ground in smithereens to make it.


3. Grand Prairie AirHogs (Minor League Baseball) –






I’ll stop mocking this team… when pigs fly. (That may be the most relevant use I’ve ever gotten out of that expression). Anyone else immediately think of Pigs In Space when they saw this team?




2. Lakeland Flying Tigers (Minor League Baseball) –

It would take some pretty powerful drugs… or a big catapult… for me to ever witness a tiger in flight. (Note to self: look into acquiring catapult and tiger)


Winner: Charleston Lowgators (defunct NBA D-League) –

The lowgator is of course a distant cousin of the highcroc (which is rumoured to actually just be crocodiles on stilts). Maybe a lowgator is something like Cotton Hill and just had their shins blown off by tojos.


Dishonourable Mentions: Saint John Sea Dogs (QMJHL), Lehigh Valley IronPigs (Minor League Baseball)

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Really?

Due to underwhelming demand here’s some more teams that should have thought twice about their name…

Top 5 - Maybe You Should Have Gone With An Animal (Take 2)

5. Philadelphia Soul (AFL) – About the only way to salvage this team name would be if their logo/mascot was the Soul Pole from Dazed and Confused.

4. Detroit Drive (defunct AFL) – Anyone else see the irony in a sports team whose name is meant to be a tie in to the auto industry now being defunct? Guess their bailout never came through.

3. Richmond Speed (defunct AF2) – Let this be a lesson to you that naming a sports team after a Keanu Reeves movie is a bad idea. There’s just no room in this world for the Replacements, the Constantines, the Hard Balls or the Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventurers … check that, both Hard Balls and Excellent Adventurers would be awesome team names!

2. Amarillo Dusters (AF2) – Oh no! I’m so scared of a team who could use a swiffer as a mascot. You suck Amarillo!

Winner: Nashville Sounds (AAA Baseball) –

This is perhaps the vaguest team name I’ve come across. I mean Sounds covers a lot of ground… and none of it is good ground. What sounds are they referring too? The sound of people’s mockery? The sound of every former member of the Grand Ole Opry turning over in their grave due to this team’s pitiful attempt to tie into Nashville’s famous music scene? The sound their own fan(s) booing their sorry excuse for a team name? Or the sound of tumbleweeds blowing through their park because no one is willing to publicly associate themselves with the team?

Dishonourable Mentions: Boise Burn (AF2), Laredo Law (defunct AF2) – Interesting to note that aside from the winner, this category was dominated by AFL and AF2.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Are you sure?

So far in my salute to bad team names I’ve made fun of animal mascots, made up mascots, spelling errors and colours. Today we venture into a completely new realm, saluting teams that clearly have no idea what constitutes a good team name and appear to have just chosen random words.

Top 5 - Maybe You Should Have Gone With An Animal

5. Columbia Crew (MLS) – I can’t believe this is soccer’s first appearance in a series dedicated to all that is mockable in the sporting world. Actually most soccer teams have avoided this salute because they tend to just go with FC (unimaginative, yes. mockable, no). But Columbia (in their infinite wisdom) decided to buck the trend and use their imagination (though I use the term extremely loosely in this case). Though it defies logic, in trying to set themselves apart from the FCs of the world, they actually managed to come up with an even less imaginative team name. Though I guess we should expect nothing less from soccer players.

4. Greensville Groove (defunct NBA D-League) – You deserve to be a defunct franchise if groove is the best you can come up with. Maybe they got complacent.

3. Tri-Cities Fever (AF2) – The only cure for this bad name is more cowbell.

2. Bakersfield Jam (NBA D-League) – If I didn’t know this was a basketball team I would assume it was a product my mom would buy at the supermarket. Any sports team that can cross-promote itself with something I put on my morning toast deserves my mockery.

Winner: Roanoke Dazzle (defunct NBA D-League) –




Acceptable uses for the term Dazzle include children’s dolls, strippers and female gladiators. Not sports teams.

.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: League Award

*The following post was pre-written to accommodate the fact the Rider Prophet is currently in Las Vegas and likely in no condition to operate a computing device. Barring any legal complications the Rider Prophet will be back from his vacation and resume regular posting on Monday.

As you’ve seen throughout our ongoing salute, there are bad team names in virtually every sport, at every level and in every league. But when I came across the subject of today’s salute, I knew that they were in a league of their own when it came to bad team names.

Bare in mind while reading the flowing that the league I’m talking about is the 2nd oldest basketball league in the world (second only to the NBA)…

Worst Collective Effort – Philippine Basketball Association



We start out with a few teams that aren’t that bad (nothing to brag about but still respectable)
- Alaska Aces
- Barangay Ginebra Kings

Then things start getting slightly worse when corporate influences start to take over:
- Coca Cola Tigers
- Barako Bull Energy Boosters
- Burger King Batang BK
- Sam Miguel Beermen
- Sta. Lucia Realtors

Then we get to the teams that take corporate sponsorship to hilarious new lows:
- Rain or Shine Elpaso Painters – was the Rain or Shine part really necessary? And besides who the hell paints in the rain?!

- Purefoods Tender Juicy Giants – As terrible a name as Tender Juicy Giants is, it’s actually a remarkable improvement over their previous team name… the Corned Beef Cowboys.

And finally, we get one of the worst team names I’ve come across yet…


the mighty Talk N’ Text Tropang Texters who are the reigning Philippine Cup Champions. When the best team in your league is called the Texters you deserve to be the laughingstock of the professional sporting world.

And of course a salute to the PBA wouldn’t be complete without acknowledging the historical contributions of the now defunct Crispa Redmanizers and Toyota Super Corollas

So congratulations PBA for giving the sporting world so many bad team names that you warranted your own post.

Rider Prophet Salutes Bad Team Names: Colour Me Unimpressed

This week’s edition of my salute to bad team names will hopefully debunk the myth that colours are inherently cool and their coolness can transfer to otherwise lame objects via osmosis.



Top 5 – Adding A Colour To A Bad Team Name Doesn’t Make It Any Better



5. University of Evansville Purple Aces (NCAA) – Aces come in red and black (and occasionally naked girl) but not purple. Regardless it’s a pretty bad mascot.



4. Saint Francis University Red Flash (NCAA) – To me a red flash seems more like a symptom of a serious medical condition than something I associate with sports. They should probably have that checked out.



3. University of North Texas Mean Green (NCAA) – My understanding is that the University of North Texas originally competed in the NCAA under one of the organization's staple names, the Eagles. That all changed when a standout defensive tackle came along in the late 1960's, "Mean" Joe Greene. Greene was so good that the school changed the name of not just the football team, but every varsity team on campus - while they would retain the Eagle as the mascot, the teams would forever more be known as Mean Green. Fortunately this method of team naming didn't catch on across the sporting world, or we could be eagerly anticipating games between the Edmonton Swamp Dogs and the Saskatchewan Undertakers... or worse, the Big Nates.



2. Cornell University Big Red/ Dartmouth College Big Green (NCAA) – I feel like Principal Skinner… “And the award for the children who obviously had no help from their parents...” Honestly, way to put zero effort into a team name. My only guess is that the schools are not artistically inclined and were looking for a logo that would be easy to draw. The odd thing though is that Cornell’s logo feature’s a brown bear. Mind boggling!



Winner: Presbyterian College Blue Hose (NCAA) –





Of all the potential mascots out there the Presbyterians went with the mighty hose. But not just any hose, a blue one. Straight from the garden shed to the athletic field. I’m not sure what exactly it was about the hose that made the Presbyterians go “Now that would make a great mascot”. I mean sure being beaten with a hose is no fun but on its own a hose is not very intimidating.



Dishonourable Mentions: Tulane University Green Wave (NCAA), Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (NCAA), Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL)