Family Reunion Themed Preview: Toronto

“Relatives from the big city that enjoy doing the majority of their shopping at the rich people's garage sales”

You know the types… always regaling you with tales of life in “the big city”, how great it is, how much they are a part of the “in” crowd. Thing is, most of it is a lie, while they do live in the big city, things aren’t that great and they are not part of the in crowd. In fact, their only connection to the “in” crowd is the items they manage to scavenge at rich people’s garage sales. Such as the half eaten bagel that Brad Pitt threw out because it was stale or Paul McCartney’s old car (sure its rusted, dinted up, has duct tape on the seats and needs to be started with a manual crank but it was McCartney’s nonetheless) and let’s not forget Bill Gates’ own personal computer… from 15 years ago (Windows 95 was good then, so it must still be good). Problem with these items (must like 90% of the Argos recruits) is that while they have famous names attached to them, they are virtually useless.

Biggest Acquisition: Rob Murphy
Biggest Loss: Byron Parker/Dominique Dorsey
Biggest Strength: Arland Bruce
Biggest Weakness: Defense
Question Mark: The all-Europe coaching staff.

If they did nothing else, solidifying the O-line that protects Kerry Joseph will make the Argos a much better team. Given how bad they were last year, they have a long way to go. They still have no run game to speak of and stop the runs about as well as a diet high in fibre and prunes. The addition of Moreno should help but, as he proved in Hamilton, Zeke can’t do it all on his own.

All eyes on Bart Andrus and the assistant coaches formerly known as NFL Europa. I guess to be fair, there’s no way he could be worse than the gong show that Rich Stubler ran last year.

Verdict: Assuming Andrus and Das coaching staff do a half decent job, the Argos should be a better team. They’ve improved at some key positions and would have to try really hard to be as bad as last year. That said they lost some of their top players and didn’t have that many good ones to begin with, so they are still a long ways away from the dominant Argos of days gone by.

2nd in the East despite a losing record at 8-10

Family Reunion Themed Preview: Edmonton

“Your uncle’s new girlfriend who’s good from far but far from good”

You notice that your uncle has just arrived to the reunion with a new girl in tow. This strikes you as odd since his divorce left him with a pot belly and an orange penis due to over indulgence of Cheetos and 1-900 numbers. But now he seems to be all cleaned up and the girl he just walked in with actually looks pretty hot. He sees you and comes over with his hot girlfriend in tow. But as they get closer you realize that this girlfriend seems to get uglier and uglier the closer she gets until your pretty sure that your uncle shaved a gorilla and dolled it up in some makeup and a sundress. A clear case of good from far but far from good. Paper bags and dim lighting would be this girl’s best friends.

Biggest Acquisition: Mo Lloyd
Biggest Loss: Kelley Campbell
Biggest Strength: Ricky Ray
Biggest Weakness: Defense/running
Question Mark: Rebuilt Defense

On the surface it would seem that Edmonton has taken all the necessary steps to improve on the weaknesses of last year. They replaced their brutal head coach, brought in a marquee running back to help their non-existent ground game and rebuilt their porous defense. But if you dig deeper you realize that things aren’t as good as they appear.

While I have the utmost respect for Richie Hall, I have my doubts about is ability to be as effective a head coach as he was a D-Coordinator. Seems like a Danny Barrett type to me (to be fair though, that is a giant improvement over Maciocia). Jesse Lumsden is a band aid that will vastly improve their run game for 2.35 games before settling back onto the injury list. There are building a secondary around Scott Gordon and Kelly Malveaux and continuing to waste Kitwana’s talent at DE which I’m sure suits the other 7 teams just fine. Mo Lloyd is an impact player but given his fairly weak supporting cast he will have a lot on his shoulders. He may be good but he can’t do it all by himself. Most importantly, the Esks have very little depth. So while I expect them to start the season strong, when injuries start piling up we’re going to see them drop like Man In The Bush’s pants when he’s had a few too many.

Verdict: This is a mediocre team overall with very little depth. They will have to rely on Ray, Lumsden and Lloyd to carry them. While they are all among the tops at their position, there’s just no way I can see them being good enough to carry 39 other players in a very competitive division.
4th in the west at 8-10

Family Reunion Themed Preview: Winnipeg

“Psychotic Cousin No One Wants To Acknowledge”



He’s the guy that none of the family publicly admits to being related to. In fact, he wasn’t even invited to the reunion but he somehow found out and showed up (much to the chagrin of everyone else). Now everyone is trying desperately to avoid getting stuck in a conversation with him. He’s crazy, prone to nonsensical rambling, he has anger management issues, the list goes on and on. Everyone would be a lot happier if he just disappeared.

Biggest Acquisition: Sideeq Shabazz
Biggest Loss: Dan Goodspeed
Biggest Strength: Receivers
Biggest Weakness: Kicking
Question Mark: O-Line

Well no one can question the fact that Mike Kelly is a man of action. He has been a very busy man since taking office in December. In just 6 short months he has managed to publicly insult his predecessor, replace 3/4 of his roster, question longstanding league rules, get reprimanded by the league and necessitate a written apology from the team on his behalf. Not sure when he found time to sleep.

While Mike Kelly is clearly mad, the question is, will there turn out to be method to his madness? He replaced all-stars along the O-line with second string Riders. He let some very good assistant coaches go. He’s going to field essentially a new defense featuring the oldest front 4 in recent memory. And the competition for the leader of his new offense is between a south paw and a side arm thrower (it’s like the QB freak show minus giant Chad Freihauf). All that and we haven’t even mentioned that his solution to having the worst kicking game in the league is to bring back the kicker responsible for that dubious distinction.

Verdict: In the long term, there’s an outside chance Kelly’s crazy plan might end up working out… but in the short term it will be like most Manitoba residents… not pretty.
Dead last in the league at 4 -14

Family Reunion Themed Preview: BC

“Cousin Who Was Once A Famous Athlete”



It wasn’t that long ago that they were on top of the world. The best of the best. A champion that all others could only hope to emulate. But all good things must come to an end, and he’s no exception. Now he just sits around talking about how good he was back in the day and how it won’t be long before he’s back on top. The whole family listens and says “sure you will” sympathetically but behind his back they roll their eyes at the fact that he just can’t admit that he’s not as good as he used to be. Time has passed and some of those things that made him a champion have slipped away. He’s still got some skills but it will take a lot of training to get back in game shape (the kind you can only get by using a beef carcass as a punching bag). For now he just positions himself next to the bowl of Doritos and repeatedly points out his championship ring to any passersby that come too close.

Biggest Acquisition: Anton McKenzie
Biggest Loss: Cam Wake
Biggest Strength: Coaching
Biggest Weakness: QB
Question Mark: Player Turnover

Wally Buono may the best in the business when it comes to building winning teams but you’ve got to admit that he’s got his work cut out for him this season. After maintaining a relatively stable roster for the past few years, the Lions are faced with replacing Cam Wake, Jamall Johnson, Rob Murphy, Kelly Bates, Stephan Logan, Jason Clermont, Otis Floyd and Tyrone Williams all at once. Now you can argue that a couple of those guys aren’t huge losses but the fact remains they have some big shoes to fill.

Defensively, I’m guessing they will remain fairly solid. Wake is a big loss but with guys like Hunt, Johnson, Banks, Glatt, Anton and Miles they are still a formidable opponent. Offensively, I’m assuming they can find a descent RB (if you can’t manage that you have no business being in football). That leaves QB as their main concern. Pierce is good but he’s as durable as a Roughrider’s fibula. If he plays 10 games it will be a miracle. That leaves Jarious Jackson… and the best thing I can say about him is that I consider him to be a slightly more intelligent Michael Bishop.

Verdict: They couldn’t manage better than 3rd place last year with Wake and Logan on the roster so I seriously doubt they can all of the sudden make it back to 1st without them. They still have a lot of talent and top notch coaching though so they will remain competitive.
3rd in the West at 10-8.

Family Reunion Themed Preview: Montreal

“Snooty Rich Aunt With an Affinity For Antiques”

Like that rich aunt you have who is always subtly insulting you for being poor, Montreal has an air of arrogance around them. They are not overtly rude (well at least not by French standards) but you can always tell they think they are better than you. This rich aunt also loves antiques, they just don’t make things like they used to you know. And while all her antiques are very nice and valuable, all it takes is one person to bump into them the wrong way and they are going to break. Then she will be left with nothing and be forced to spend the next few years slowly rebuilding her collection.

Biggest Acquisition: Jerome Haywood
Biggest Loss: Jerome Haywood (well that worked out well)
Biggest Strength: Calvillo and the passing game
Biggest Weakness: Pass Defense
Question Mark: How long can their old folks hold on?

Calvillo, Chui, Cahoon and Sanchez… all arguably among the best in the league. All also the wrong side of 35. And it’s not like any of Montreal’s other star’s are young pups either (with the exception of Jamal Richardson and Keron Williams). At some point age will catch up to the team.

They are pretty much fielding the same offense as last year which should mean a very potent attack yet again. Their weakness is pass defense. Last year they were second only to Hamilton is most passing yards allowed. Jim Popp and Marc Trestman elected to make very little changes so it’s up to the players and coaches to improve if they don’t want to celebrate Calvillo’s 5th straight Grey Cup choke.

Verdict: Pretty sure the old guys have one more season left in them before they trade in their football cleats for orthopedic velcro shoes and their signing bonuses for old age security cheques. As long as the old guys hold up they should cruise through a weak set of eastern opponents en route to another first place finish…
1st in the East at 11-7

Family Reunion Themed Preview: Calgary

“Uncle Who’s Always Trying to Prove How Tough He Is”




No I don’t want to wrestle… Yes I can see how big you are… yes I have heard the story about when you choked out a full grown giraffe with a cross faced chicken wing… at least 100 times… wasn’t it a hippopotamus last time?

Like your tough uncle that always struts around wearing shirts that are 2 sizes too small, showing off his overly tanned skin, asking if anyone wants to arm wrestle, the Stampeders are as vain and conceited as they come. While you have to admit that they have reason to be cocky, you hate their guts and have an uncontrollable urge to kick them in the crotch. And you’re pretty sure despite the fact that your uncle’s bigger and stronger than you, if push came to shove you could probably take him… likely using the aforementioned “kick to the crotch” technique.

Biggest Acquisition: Nothing really but if I had to pick… I dunno… Matt D’Ozario
Biggest Loss: Charleston Hughes
Biggest Strength: Offense
Biggest Weakness: Egos
Question Mark: D- Line

As much as it pains me to admit it, Calgary is a solid team across the board. They got an excellent coach in John Hufnagel, a solid O-line, a productive RB, a dangerous set of receivers, one the league’s stingiest defenses and while Henry Burris has always been a dangerous QB, he seems to have now found a way to only be dangerous towards his opponents and not towards his team as in previous years.

The only weakness I see heading into the season is along the D-line. Mike Labinjo is the only returning DL from last season. Can’t imagine it will be easy for them Stamps to find a brand new line without experiencing some struggles. Could end up being the achilles heel of an otherwise solid roster.

Verdict: Stamps are the team to beat this year.
1st in the league at 13-5

Season Preview: Prophet Style

Well the regular season is looming and given that I consider myself to be some sort of prognosticator, I suppose I should make some sort of attempt to preview all the CFL teams (I mean there are only 7 others).

But true to the Prophet-style that inspired a legion of fans numberings in the bakers dozens, I couldn’t just do the same old boring uninspired preview that you can find in numerous other places. I needed a whacky theme. More specifically I needed a theme that wouldn’t be considered copyright infringement, libel, hate crime or other legal faux-pas.

Then one day it hit me, like a …. What’s whackier than a family reunion? Getting together with dozens of your kin, only half of which you’ve ever heard off and only a fraction of which you actually talk to on a regular basis. There’s always a good chance that old rivalries and longstanding bitterness will flare up. Not to mention that it’s pretty much guaranteed that at least one family member will have way too many drinks and make a complete ass of themselves. And if it’s a Manitoba family reunion there’s always the chance of picking up an attractive cousin… well maybe not an attractive one… but a cousin nonetheless.

It got me thinking that the CFL is like a big family with each team having their own character. After a long offseason they are getting back together to.

So with that in mind I present to you the Family Reunion Themed Preview. I will preview each team based on what family member I see them as.

We start with Hamilton.

Family Reunion Themed Preview: Hamilton

“Slow Nephew That You Have To Cheer For The Slightest Accomplishment”




What’s that? You went in the big boy potty? Yay!! {enthusiastic clapping}
You managed to tie your shoes? Well they are Velcro but yay! {more enthusiastic clapping}
You picked your nose and didn’t eat it this time? Yay!! {enthusiastic clapping while subtly checking to make sure the little bugger didn’t rub it on you}

Yes like that “slow” nephew, Hamilton has been lagging behind their peers for a number of years and while you’re pretty sure their not mentally retarded, you have had your doubts. They’ve been so bad that you feel bad about making fun of them… I mean they try so hard. And because they are so slow you find yourself feeling happy when they accomplish even the smallest feat such as a first down or a passing TD (which only took them well into to last season to accomplish).

Biggest Acquisition: Dan Goodspeed
Biggest Loss: Jesse Lumsden
Biggest Strength: Ground Game
Biggest Weakness: Defense/Receivers
Question Mark: The Bellefeuille Era

As much as I have mocked Bellefeuille on this blog, I have to admit that the team really seemed to play better under his guidance at the end of the season. Question is, can he sustain it over an entire season and more importantly translate it into more than 3 wins. This season he’s managed to amass his dream offense: Kevin Glenn and Kenton Keith behind an improved O-line… and no quality receivers in sight. Ball control offense here we come. Thing is that should be an improvement over whatever it is they were running last year.

Defensively last year they were about as useful as a poopy flavoured lollypop. Adding a competent D Coordinator in Greg Marshall should greatly benefit the team.

Verdict: The Ti-Cats are a better team on paper than they were last year. Playing in the weak East Division will definitely help their cause…
3rd in the East at 7-11. Yay!! {enthusiastic clapping}