Monday, February 7, 2011

Monday Morning Sentimonies: No More Fantuz

So unfortunately nobody decided to step up and chloroform Andy Fantuz in order to prevent him from signing an NFL contract. Fantuz made it official that he had signed with the Chicago Bears. Actually, I sent Man in the Bush on a secret mission to drug and kidnap Fantuz but before he could get the job done he lost all his money to a reputable fellow running a 3 card monte game in an alley. He ended up having to trade the burlap sack to some hutterites in exchange for some food and inadvertently taking the drugs himself and waking up days later on a park bench in Delaware... without his pants naturally. Good help is hard to find.

Clearly this is a blow to the Riders. While we are blessed with great depth at Canadian receiver, you just can’t replace a guy like Fantuz. Need I remind you of 2:09 of this video:

or 3:50 of this one...

With the likes of Dressler, Bagg, Getzlaf and Koch, our offense will continue to be dangerous through the air. But there is only one Andy Fantuz and he will be missed.

This is of course nothing new to Rider fans. In recent years we have seen the NFL poach the likes of Kenton Keith, John Chick, Stevie Baggs and Ray Williams. Though what makes this one harder is the fact that Fantuz unlike the others is a Canadian. Elite Canadians don’t grow on trees.

Will Fantuz make the cut down there? Honestly, I doubt it. I mean I wish him all the best but though his hands are unbelievable, his speed is not. Also working against him are the lack of a running start for the first time in his football career as well as the fact that he hasn’t played much special teams so he will have a harder time earning a roster spot as a pure receiver. Then again, the Bears don’t exactly have great receivers so if there was ever a team he had a chance on it would be da Bears. I’m just sorry he has to put up with Jay Cutler. In a normal year I’d say we’ll be seeing Fantuz again in September.

My only fear is a lockout. Tough as it would be, I could stomach Fantuz being gone so he could chase his NFL dream. But it would rip out his heart and the heart of Rider Nation to watch him sit idle and not be able to suit up for anybody.

So as we bid (hopefully a temporary) adieu to the reigning Most Outstanding Canadian, let us begin experimenting on hand growth medication for the remaining Canuck receivers on our roster. According to the legitimate looking ads that pop up while I surf the interweb and the emails I receive, scientists have uncovered ways to grow a penis 4 inches in a matter of weeks. I assume it can’t be that hard to transfer the process to hands.

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