Monday, March 17, 2008

Eric Tillman Goes to the Used Car Lot

In his short time with the Riders, Eric Tillman has shown that he’s not afraid to make a deal. And whether or not you agree with the trades he’s made, the fact remains that Tillman is a shrewd negotiator. It makes me wonder what he would be like outside of a football setting.

I imagine it would look something like this…

Salesman: Well hello there sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can help you with?

ET: I'm just looking to see what's out there.

Salesman: You thinking about upgrading to a newer model?

ET: Well I guess that depends what I can get.

Salesman: We have a wide variety of vehicles. What is it that you're looking for?

ET: My sedan isn't performing like it used to. It's just our back-up car, we don't drive it too often, but I like to have something that I can count on when I need it. It's parked most of the time - it just doesn't impress people like my BMW does. I'll be honest with you though, neither of my cars is getting any newer, so it's time to start thinking about what I'll do when they finally pack it in.

Salesman: Well, this one is our top of the line model. All the bells and whistles you could ask for, and it's only $30,000.

ET: Woah, woah, woah. I'm working with a tight budget here! Sure, I could probably find a way to spend that kind of money on a backup car if I really wanted to, but then I wouldn't be able to buy the new washing machine we need, we'd have to cash in half of our mutual funds, and my wife would have to start buying No Name cereal for the kids to eat for breakfast. I just can't do that; breakfast is the most important meal of the day you know.

Salesman: So I'm told. Alright, well if price is an issue, why don't I show you this model. It's got a few more miles on it, pretty bare bones in terms of features, but it can definitely get you from point A to point B. Only $8,000.

ET: Well that's great, but I've already got two cars in my garage at home that are as good if not better than this thing.

Salesman: Okay, so you don't want a new car with all the extras, and you don't want an older car that is still reliable. Maybe you could tell me a little more about what you had in mind.

ET: What about a Yeti?

Salesman: Pardon?

ET: A Yeti! You know, the new model from Tomara. I'd like to see one of those.

Salesman: I'm sorry sir, I've been in this business for 20 years, but I'm not familiar with that model. And to be honest, I've never even heard of... what did you call it, Tomara? And besides, would you really want to drive a car called the Yeti? Doesn't sound like that great of a car to me.

ET: Hey, just because you haven't heard of it doesn't mean it's no good. I don't really care what other people think of it.

Salesman: Well if you don't care about perception, why don't you just buy one of those smart cars?

ET: I've thought about it. Sure, people might laugh now, but just wait until gas skyrockets to $1.50 a litre over the summer and all my friends want me to drive them places because they can't fuel their own cars. I'd rather be popular in October and November than in March.

Salesman: It was a joke sir, I don't have any smart cars here any more than
I have any Yetis.

ET: Fine... well show me that one then.

Salesman: Ah, an excellent choice. This one has low mileage, lots of power, and is very reliable. I could let you have it for only $20,000 if you trade in your old one.

ET: Well my old one is still pretty valuable, so you're going to need to throw in free gas for a year and drop the price to $15,000 if we're going to make this deal.

Salesman: Ummm... I'm not sure I can do that.

ET: Well forget about that then, what if I traded in my BMW instead?

Salesman: I thought you were looking to replace your second car?

ET: I told you that both of my cars were getting older, and that the back up car could still get the job done. Besides, my Beamer still looks good and all my friends like it, but the starter is about to go and I'm not sure if I'm willing to spend the money to fix it. And something tells me it's going to start to have some troubles shifting into those higher gears any day now.

Salesman: Well that sounds like quite a few problems, but I'm sure we can fix any mechanical issues. So what are you saying then... you're willing to give me $20,000 and your BMW for this car and free gas for a year?

ET: You wish! If we're talking about the Beamer, you're going to need to throw in a minivan and drop the price to $15,000, taxes in.

Salesman: But you just told me that your BMW is old, and is very quickly starting to show its age!

ET: Hey, it's still better than anything you have here. My backup car is too, come to think of it - it just hasn't had a chance to shine yet. I mean, for the amount it's been used, I'm sure I can get at least another 5 or 6 years out of it without any drop in performance.

Salesman: Then why are you looking to replace it?

ET: Look, I'll level with you. The cars I have now are hard on gas, and it costs me a lot of money to run them. But that shouldn't matter to you, it's not like you're going to drive them anyway - they'll just sit on your lot until you sell them to someone else. I bet as soon as I drive away in my new car, towing my new minivan behind me, someone will come in here, take one look at the BMW you have up for sale, and they'll tell you "you know what, I don't mind that it's best years are already past, and that I'm going to have to give up on the dream of that new washing machine, sell half my mutual funds, and feed my kids generic breakfast cereal, I must have this car." And I can tell that you're a good salesman, and I'm sure that you'll make all kinds of money on that deal. In the end, we'll both come out ahead.

Salesman: You know what sir, I'm starting to think that I'd be a sucker
NOT to accept $15,000 and your BMW for this new car and a new minivan.

ET: Actually now that I think about it, switch the BMW with my sedan.

Salesman: What?

ET: And throw in the gas for a year.

Salesman: *Sigh* Fine. You drive a hard bargain sir, but I think we have a deal.

ET: You know what... never mind, I can just get a newer model import for half that price.


Anonymous said...

Looks like the Stamps have just released one of their big names in the form of Scott Coe on defence. Can we be expecting further Prophet commentary on Calgary's current defensive "strategy"?

Anonymous said...

Ask and you shall receive...