Friday, July 1, 2011

Official 2011 Prophecies

Twas a few days before the new season and Prophet was in fear
How could he make this bit interesting for a 5th freaking year?
It has outlived most marriages and TV shows on Fox
Though after 5 years it’s tough to rhyme new jokes and mocks
But the season is looming and the masses need direction
As well as irreverent commentary and crude words like erection
After all I’m a Prophet (though not one sent from heaven)
So here we go with my thoughts on 2011

For 2 years now we’ve been on the brink
But have been denied a chance from the Grey Cup to drink
The goal is crystal clear, make it back for a 3rd time
But to finally raise the Cup there will be a big hill to climb
We’ve got a new head coach with a fabulous moustache
We got our old DC back because as a head coach he was trash
Fantuz left for the Bears and O’Day retired
Congi’s still hurt thanks to Daley (thank god that bum’s fired)
Bagg knee is shot but Romero’s in the mix
And with Dickenson on ST we might actually return one for 6
Change is a constant but our core is still here
So hold to you socks on for another great year

With Durant and Berry calling the shots, we will take to the air
For a tangible run game we’ll have no use or care.
We’ll still need our RBs every now and then
But most all our yards will be off Durant’s arm and legs again
Dressler will be an all-star, top 4 in receiving
While Koch will break out as a star and have you believing
We need a new top Canuck without Bagg or Fantuz
But it sure won’t be Clermont, who we will still under-use
Parenteau steps in at centre to replace O’Day
Though he’ll be replaced at some point due to poor play
There will still be picks a plenty but we will overcome
Offense will have its struggles but many games will be won.

On D, gone is Etch and his whacky schemes
Under Marshall and Hall we’ll be big, tough and mean
With some size in the front 7, the run we will stuff
Though sacks will be few until Hawk is healthy enough
With Graham, Patrick and Frazier in our secondary
Our D overall will be downright scary.
Freeman will establish himself as a household name
More than once our defense will have to win us a game
With the players and coaches on D, I would wager
Opponents will score less than a computer science major.

We will start off so-so and fans will freak out
It won’t take long for Marshall’s abilities to come into doubt
“Our receivers are struggling! Bring back Rod Wright!”
“Our kickers can’t even split the damn upright!”
But patience will be the key as it always seems to be
By Labour Day we will sit at 5-3
In the Classic we’ll stomp the Bombers with ease
Because they be forced to play a bunch of unknown QBs
That will be the spark for a midseason streak
We will be sitting in the first place spot we seek
As an added bonus we will get some great news
When from the NFL returns… Andy Fantuuuuuuz!
But an untimely injury will brings things to a stop
And down the standings we will begin to drop
But when hopes of a home playoff game start to look grim
The team will dig deep and earn a big wins
We’ll finish 10-8 edging the Lions for 2nd 
Proving that the Riders are still a force to be reckoned
For the first time since ’06 there will be no individual award
This will be a true team effort across the board

In an epic West-Semi with BC we’ll go toe to toe
But a Luca Congi field goal will sink our orange clad foe
Calgary’s up next and they will look strong
No bra this year for Burris… this time it’s a thong
Henry’s never beat us when it actually matters
So expect us to leave his hopes of doing so in tatters
Thanks to strong play from Dressler, the Stamps we’ll eviscerate
Henry will choke and his fans will want to defenestrate
Then it’s off to Vancouver, to compete for Lord Grey
Against the Als once again… its like Groundhogs Day
As much as I’d like to predict championship thrills
We’ll instead establish ourselves as the next Buffalo Bills
We won’t hoist the cup, when the season does expire
Though we’ll pray for Calvillo to just freaking retire!

That’s how I see 2011 going down
Though my gloomy ending is no reason to frown
For though overall my predictions tend to be spot on
So far I’ve always managed to get the end wrong
So don your jerseys and grab those melons
(Just make sure it’s the fruit so you don’t end up as felons)
This is our team so stand up and cheer
Go Riders go… now hand me a beer.


Anonymous said...

Wish you would change the bright green background.Try White with GREEN print !!!! After I read your blog for a few seconds everything else looks PINK. YUK
I don't think Calgary will be top dog. The Media love Henry but he is showing signs of decline. Their next hope if Burris fails is M.Bishop. How sad is that.

Rider Prophet said...

I suppose I could try a different design.

After watching last nights game, I'm no longer as convinced that Calgary will be in first. Even with Burris in they were crap. What are they going to do if he falters?!? Put in Bishop?!?