Monday, April 5, 2010

Rider Prophet Confessional

As hard as it might be to believe, the Rider Prophet is not perfect. Though I am a prophet and a leader of the people, I am not without fault. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of… and the things I am proud of are quite frankly disgusting. Not to mention the numerous racial and gender-based stereotypes that form the basis of my views on society.

We are taught that if we confess our transgressions we may receive forgiveness. So with that in mind I present to you a list (that is by no means comprehensive) of the wrongdoings I would like to confess…

- I once accidentally karate chopped a lady in the face while over aggressively celebrating a first down at Mosaic Stadium. Ever since, my “aisle seat” privileges have been revoked.

- I have well thought out plans of how I could get away with murder. Not because I ever intend to use them, but just in case.

- I find it funny when little children fall down or run into things (especially glass patio doors).

- In university I would choose which classes to take based on how English-sounding the professor’s last name was.

- I find myself thinking of ways to rob any casino I go into (thank you very much Ocean’s 11). The planning usually goes pretty good until it gets stuck when I determine I need a small acrobatic Asian. None of the Asian people I know could be described as small let alone acrobatic… or even Asian for that matter.

- When I’m at a bar and have to fart I always look for the nearest guy hitting on a girl and let it out while walking by them. I apologize to the many unsuspecting guys whose romantic endeavours I have ruined as a result.

- I automatically assume that every black guy I see working out at the gym is a new Rider recruit…This stereotype is perpetuated by the fact that I’m usually right.

- I always assume that the bad driver in front of me must be either old, Asian or a woman… again this stereotype is perpetuated by the fact that I’m almost always right… sometime I’m even right on all accounts and its and old Asian woman.

In the spirit of confessing, feel free to add your confessions.


Ronbo The Riderfan said...

In reference to the bad drivers. Woman 52% likely. Add the percentage of old men about 5%(just a guestimate) add Asian, maybe another 5%. That's around 62% probability.

If you add "stupid" to the mix you've got everybody in the city except you and me and sometimes I wonder about you. :)

Rider Prophet said...

So what you are saying is that I'm not stereotypical or racist, I'm just playing the odds. I like your thinking!

You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to wonder about me.

Dave "Sachmo" Sachary said...

At Rider games I will booo my own teams defence just to get a rise out of the lady in front of me, I do this so I can say this is a free country and not Nazi Germany.

I intentionally leave very little space between me and the car in front of me during rush hour traffic so no one can get in front of me.

BTW your blog is hilarious.