Monday, March 23, 2020

Monday Morning Sentimonies: If CFL was like Pro Wrestling

It’s Monday. There are still no sports. The world is still going crazy. So we could as use a dose of silliness to lighten the mood. Fortunately, I’m extremely qualified to be a purveyor of silly content. It’s kinda like that Simpsons where Bart take Focusyn and shoots down the MLB satellite. Mark McGuire shows up and asks “Do you want to know the terrifying truth or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?”

The obvious answers is “Dingers!” I’m the sports blogging equivalent of that.

You’ll recall that last week I introduced you to the Toy Box Selects.

This week’s installment of silliness will explore what the CFL might look like if it operated like professional wrestling. I grew up on Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart and the day I saw the Tag Titles change hands in Regina remains among my greatest childhood memories. But what if the CFL took some pages out of the Vince McMahon playbook?

First off rather than a Grey Cup in November to crown a yearly champion, there would be a defending champion who defends the title each week. It would build throughout the season and the Grey Cup game would be like the equivalent of WrestleMania as the biggest match of the year. The other teams would play each other to try and become the #1 contender for the championship. They could also introduce smaller lest prestigious championships like Interprovincial Champion and Eastern Champion (which would be like the equivalent of the Cruiserweight title).

Rather then generic sports drivel answers to stock media questions players and coaches would cut passionate promos telling how awful the other team was, how great they are and how badly they will destroy them. It would also open up things for catch-phrases. Just think how much better interviews would be if you replaced “One game at a time” or “Next man up” with “Listen up you roody poo candy ass jabroni” and “If you think Cody Fajardo should stomp a mud hole in the Stampeders, give me a Hell Yeah!”

In the pro wrestling version of the CFL it would inevitable that a referee gets knocked out (intentionally or inadvertently) just before a key scoring play. Ref didn’t see it, so it doesn’t count (far fetched scenario, I know). But wait, in comes a second referee from the tunnel! Also, can you imagine if disqualifications were a possibility? Like say the current champions were in dander of losing the belt. Boom, they just hit the opposition with a chair in front of the ref and get DQ’d. Everyone knows the belt can’t change hands on a DQ.

Factions/Heel Turns  
Picture Ottawa and Montreal joining forces to form the French Connection. They could interfere in each others matches. Or even better, imagine next year Matt Nichols has the Argos on the Bombers’ 5 yard line for the game winning TD. He steps back… and proceeds to throw a gimme INT to the Bombers. He then pulls off his jersey to reveal a Bomber jersey. Or the Riders are struggling to get a defensive stop when all of a sudden… bah god that’s Derrick Moncrief’s music!

Gimmick Games
By far the biggest potential of this whole premise is the gimmick matches. Tag team matches where the Stamps and Esks play the Riders and Ti-Cats. Jeremiah Masoli is struggling running out of energy. Despite the Esks’ best effort he starts making his way to the sidelines. The crowd starts to roar as he reaches out with one last effort and… tags in Cody Fajardo. He comes in like a man on fire.

No holds barred matches. Put a cage around the field. And dammit just imagine if we find a way to incorporate tables, ladders and chairs into the game!

1 comment:

Dan said...