Monday, January 2, 2017

Monday Morning Senitmonies: Happy New Year

Welcome to 2017.

Hopefully you a good holiday season filled with friends, food and cursing at teenage hockey players... what could be more Canadian?

With the new salary cap year upon us expect CFL news to pick up soon. For now though, I thought we'd start the year on a lighter note. In the spirit of the New Year I present to you resolutions from all 9 CFL teams:

BC Lions
Wally Buono resolves to finally listen to what the fans have been yelling at him and spend less time on the field.

That crazy guy who beats the drum resolves to switch to decaf (seriously, I personally am likely to die of a coronary in the stands and that guy makes me look like Gandhi by comparison)

Edmonton Eskimos
Jason Maas resolves to make up for all the people in the League he's pissed off in his short tenure in Edmonton by sending a fruit tray to the League office.

Mike Benevides resolves to find a happy medium between the hobo-wear he sports on the sidelines and mafia kingpin-wear he wore while on the TSN panel.

Calgary Stampeders
Quick six resolves to hold out for a contract involving reduces work hours, higher quality feed and the ability to poop wherever it wants.

The Stamps resolves to make Drew Tate's role on the team even less significant (having already lost the starting job to Mitchell and the plunge role to Buckley).

Saskatchewan Roughriders
Chris Jones resolves to expend his wardrobe by experimenting with different shades of black. He may also get so brazen that he undoes the top button on special occasions.

The Riders resolves to finally once again play meaningful football in October (please, I beg you).

Winnipeg Blue Bombers
With the money from his new extension, Mike O'Shea resolves to exchange his shabby shorts and hoodies for slightly more upscale shorts and hoodies.

Bomber fans resolve to just come to terms with the fact that they are probably still one or 2 decades away from another Grey Cup win.

Hamilton Ti-Cats
Kent Austin resolves to work on his anger management issues... and by "work on" he means get more proficient at yelling at people.

John Chick resolves to get his wife pregnant again (assuming she isn't already).

Toronto Argonauts
Jim Barker resolves that this is the year that he finally quits Ricky Ray... but only if Ray retires.

Drew Willy resolves that in a dramatic change from the norm he will adopt his wife's last name to finally bring an end to all the Willy jokes.

Toronto residents resolves to care slightly more about the Argo football... though not enough to actually tangibly support the team.

Montreal Alouettes
The Als resolves to find a way to still someohow have Jim Popp end up as interim head coach this season.

Kavis Reed resolves to come up with a new ridiculous catch phrase in honour of his new job to replace "Consequence" and "What say you?"

Ottawa RedBlacks
Henry Burris resolves that when the RedBlack QB situation inevitably dissolves into a Favre/Rodgers scenario, he won't go full Favre and start texting pics of his junk.

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